Living with Ourselves

[Jacques]

hi @Sophia1 

i try to get out to the shops once a week, sometimes that is not possible and i have to go a few times but it really is too much for me, im too scared to run into people and them asking me about my life, wearing a mask has helped a little with this. 

if i try to push too hard i end up breaking down and going backwards, i think this is my limit

[HenryX]

Hello  @Jacques @Sophia1 @Adge @Clawde @Shaz51  

and others visiting this thread 

Reading through recent posts, by many of you, I have seen correlations and, on seeing the connections with those in my life, I tighten up, notice my breathing becoming shorter and more shallow, a tightness in the chest, and feel myself trying to avoid the feelings that arise. Those feelings are similar to the feelings associated with being trapped or confined in some way. The feeling of wanting to run away, of trying to disassociate myself from those feelings. And yet it is my understanding that it is through facing, acknowledging, and expressing those feelings that some resolution takes place. Seemingly, the purpose of therapy.

I appreciate the opportunity, made available by your open statements and disclosures of your own experiences, to allow me to explore my own. There is, I believe, a difference between the clinical exploration of such experiences, in therapy, and the associated feelings and expressions of emotion, derived from connections with the stories and experiences of another person or people.

Thank you all for that opportunity.

With My Best Wishes

@HenryX 

[Shaz51]

These are two goals that I am working on... @Jacques , @Sophia1 

one of mine is trying o cut back on a couple of cuppas a day 

also have everything organised so it does not stress out mr shaz or my mum 

[Sophia1]

Hello @Jacques 

You have bravely expressed something which has held you in a gripped state..

This might not be the first time speaking about such an atrocity. The impact is very powerful and I worry about you opening up here..when you are on your own there..

Do you use helplines at all?

I use them sometimes when my anxiety is too hard for me and I struggle with the fear! Flight feeling. So I ring and say just what I wrote. I ask them to help me with my breathing. Set a slower calmer pace in and out. Help to bring the level of anxiety lower. 

Think about that and again only reply if you want. 
I am here to be a virtual friend who is here some of the time. 
I hope for you to find something that you can write about that feels nice and share that with some of us on here and for us to do the same when we can. 

I will write to you tomorrow even if briefly.

Sophia 1

I  any find the sun ☀️ only this odd shape

sleep well. @HenryX @Shaz51 

Will reply tomorrow to you both if I can even if briefly xx

[Sophia1]

Good morning @Jacques @Shaz51 @HenryX @Adge @Clawde 

I made it outside into the garden yesterday..I planted some bulbs...

I did more weeding which always comes back to greet me the next time I am out there...Almost a smug look on it's face....

I love the garden .....

Every time that I am out there I  check each plant to see if there is any new growth..

This is enjoyable at the same time...waiting for some flower stems emerging to open up and show their colourful glory is like waiting for paint to dry...Having said that it is sheer joy to see something that I have nurtured grown and flower...smiling at me...

We have had a very windy year also which despite all the rain has whipped the foliage and flowers....They too look like they are in need of some therapy.

I have fed some with slow release fertiliser...Watered yesterday also as the wind has dried out much of the soil..

As I came back in wet...Had asked husband to turn on sprinkler system as there are different stations to water...

Why did he not let me know that they were about to spray????

Trying to escape one section...literally falling into another and yes sprinklers there started.....

Wet and rather bedraggled looking then had to water pots as well as area missed by wind blowing sprinkler water off across the road to the park....water my car parked bearing bird evidence....

Finished everything...packed up..

Inside a couple of minutes and husband announces....oh it is raining now......

Was not soaking rain though and only lasted about 5 minutes...So I reassured myself that my efforts were not wasted...

Sophia 1

[Sophia1]

Hello @Jacques 

Apologies re my lengthy response to your first post...

I write as my thoughts flow these days which makes sense to my way of thinking ...at the same time I find I often confuse others..

I had a wonderful relationship with my dad.....He was often away in pre-teen years and I missed him dreadfully.

Neither he nor mum displayed or showed affection though..

It was mum who was unkind to me...This I could never work out why...I know that she did not like questions...I think that she felt that I was criticising her capabilities or something.. She was an extremely private person and this worsened as the years went by..

Twin pushed me away and I spent up until the last seven years or so trying so hard to win her approval and acceptance....

This I now know was never going to happen ...as I do not need her approval ....If she cannot accept me as I am that Is her issue not mine...

She is the one who is closed and carries so much anger....unable to express emotion...like mother...

So it is them who have rejected me because of my being "different"..."unwell...dissociated...then full on depression"..

Do you have a garden @Jacques ....even a small  area where you can plant a punnet of seedlings....vegetables perhaps....starting off small if you haven't already...?

feeling the soil and digging is so very soothing and connects me with the land...

My environment is so very important to me... I need nature around me or I cannot live there..

Did you manage a walk around the outside of your house...even around your back garden?

💚

[Sophia1]

How did you manage with your goals @Shaz51 ?

Were you able to reduce some of those cups of tea?

Having everything organised is a huge pressure on you as your health needs looking after now as well..

Perhaps asking Mr Shaz to help hang out washing or fold it up..

Dry dishes....

Help prepare dinner...peel potatoes or vegetables?

All sounds so easy doesn't it..

Depression brings nothing...takes away energy and motivation...

You do what you can...rest....

listen to your body..

It is very wet here this morning..

might go outside if it clears up this afternoon..

I am going to slow cook a chicken and vegetable curry this morning for tonight...

💛

[Clawde]

Beautiful well done 😍 you are amazing you are perfect 👍 @Sophia1 

[Jacques]

hi @Sophia1 please don't be sorry about asking too many questions or writing too much.

yes i understand how  you feel, my mum and dad showed little affection, because of how they where brought up they found it hard to do it. 

i do understand your mum might feel critisised but asking questions i so important for future treatment, i have so many questions i never got answered, and now never will. 

yes me dad was the same, because my mum came from a wealthy family her parents hated dad because he was poor, he tired to the very last to win there approval, it was so sad, i always promised myself i will never prove anything to anyone but me. 

life is so hard, complicated and messy, we just have to do our best and try to navvigate life to our best efforts.

sorry i never got  a chance to do anything today, my mum had a fall and i spent the day at the hospital.

hugs my friend, i hope your day has been ok

[Sophia1]

Hello @Jacques 

I will respond soon...

I am so sorry to hear about your mum having a fall as well....leading to a trip to the hospital..

I am thinking that you might be feeling worn out today from all of the energy used yesterday..

Speak soon when I can give some focussed time..

hugs back my friend

Sophia 1💛