Living with Ourselves

[Sophia1]

Oh so good to hear from you my friend @Jacques 

I am very similar to you in worrying about worrying...

I have to have some stern talks to myself...

I worry about what I write to people even when I am supporting and reassuring them...

I noted also that you used the phrase ...anxious about being anxious ..silly ruminating about it for weeks.

This I believe is more common than rare.

Anxiety is nasty and we really do have to work hard at stopping ourselves from sending the negative messages to our brain...

Something to do everyday that we have the anxiety...

"That is not the truth..that is the negative mind speaking..ignore"...I am using this one at the moment..

My anxiety has definitely increased...

I have been standing up for myself with a few people who push my boundaries and invade my space..

This I have been putting into practice within the last 5 or so years after being advised to by my therapist..

I have always been a person to place more concern around how others are feeling even when they are not respecting me. I went into automatically finding reasons justifying their behaviour and the way they spoke to me or treated me..

This is a hard one to work on ...I am trying...

It is increasing my anxiety though...

I did not realise that your mum fell over the treadmill...was that the relevance of taking off her jumper next time?

Lovely that she has a sense of humour...

Do you have many humourous moments together?

I miss that with my mum and twin the three of us used to laugh when we were out ; all having a very dry sense of humour....

Then my sister had physical illness and loss of partner which brought on her extreme anxiety...

I felt so much for her and was there for her even though we live quite a way from each other...

She appreciated my help in the early stages...

She had asked mum to move in with her prior to the loss of her partner which mum did.

My sister changed and became bitter....suffocating my mother ...taking away her independence...Sister did not grieve and mum became her next person to nurture and suffocate...

We can't change what happens to people..

Families are usually the worst...I have been told there is usually at least one troublesome person in every family..

That mental health person saying that to you was breaking the code of conduct within their professional role...or should I say not professional at all...

That is dreadful making an appointment for help and being spoken to like that..

Please know that person was an idiot..

Faking anxiety obviously he is not knowledgeable about the condition and the fact that symptoms are different for everyone...

Erase that person and experience from your mind if you can..

I love the sound of your garden...

are your gardenias in pots in full sun?

I was thinking about growing a banksia rose over my garden shed wall and roof as climbing roses like heat..

Had not thought about gardenias...

Although my husband would not want the pots there.....next to the garden shed...

Food for thought...or plants for thought...

I did not get outside yesterday..Too much rain..

Also building a new house next door on empty block...noisy and dusty..

I also cancelled a carers lunch today just not wanting to be around other people..

Feeling very vulnerable at the moment..

Will look up more about gardenias...

Thank you again for writing..

Look forward to hearing from you again soon when you are able to..

Find some sun  💛 your friend Sophia

[Sophia1]

Hello lovely @Clawde 

Hoping that you are managing during these times

raining and cold here 

sending you some warm sunshine and love dear friend 

your friend Sophia 💛

[Clawde]

Thankyou Beautiful @Sophia1 😍 love from your Clawde 👍

[Sophia1]

💜

[Jacques]

Hey @Sophia1 sorry for the late reply, a lot going on the past few days.

yes it is a difficult things sometimes to tell ones self to stop being so irrational, i have OCD i need to wash my hands after washing my hands and i check door locks several times just to be sure they are locked. 

im glad you have been standing up for yourself, one thing i have not been able to achieve yet, i want to but just cant do it.

yes, she was getting warm so she took her jumper off, everyone has been getting a laugh out of it, even mum and i, it was not so funny at the time but it is now 🙂 yes we do have some good laughs of late, it is nice to see mum happy.

yes mum and i too, we have a dry and dark sense of humor, oh im sorry for bringing up memories for you, i do hope you can reconcile with yur mum and sister one day.

it might be your sister is very insecure and frightened of being alone after losing someone it can really change a person. maybe this is something you could try to help her with? maybe a common point for the both of you. it also might be a way for your sister to cope with her loss.

yes, he was way out of line, i did not expect it, i told him 15 years is a long time to fake something for a few $$$, i didn't enjoy being in severe povity and if i did have a choice i would have done everything i could to not end up the way i have. i have learned over years of bitter experiance never to trust anyone, the only person i trust is my mum and girlfriend. 

no my gardenias are in part shade part sun in pots, they don't like very hot weather, so i have them in a gazebo, we get 45+ temps here in summer. i water them maybe 3 times a week, so they do cope in low water areas, but definately somewhere where you can shade them in the hottest part of the day. 

i had a banksia but i lost it as the weather here is not suitable, just too hot and dry. it was a shame it was a beautiful red flower and it was so bushy.

i hope today was a better day for you, im sorry you didn't want to go out, hugs my friend.

well weekend over, im in total lockdown because i had a covid test on sunday, so until i get my results im not allowed to leave the house, so im happy 🙂

[Sophia1]

Hello @Jacques 

Please do not feel the need to apologise for finding the time to reply to me...

I hope that you do not feel pressured in replying...

Friendship for me is  considering the other person's feelings and situation..

I would much rather you reply when you feel up to and the time is right for you..

OCD is a difficult illness and affects people in so many different ways...

Try not to criticise yourself for living your life in the best way that you can..

You will find that change does happen ...

You have so much love within you that 

If you have it in your heart to lead a life where you feel some joy...then you have worked very hard my friend..

It has taken me so very long to not be so hard on myself and part of this is also about new people who have come into my life..

A major part is loss and grief...

My sister has been through so much and I do believe that how you expressed her own reaction to loss is a major part in her issues...as this further increased her controlling personality I now have been advised through therapy..

I have for the better part of my life trod on eggshells when in her company ....

She has always been controlling and not a listener at all...more a dictator..

She cannot cope with my high sensitive and very deep nature...

I believe that she feels that I can see inside her mind and am aware of her own poor self image....

I also believe that she has not grieved ...she has cried and been upset...she has not accepted her grief though..

She has now jeopardised her relationship with her only son by her controlling manner and uncontrolling anger...

He tried to reach out to her and she pushed him away with her spiteful tongue..

She relayed all of this to me during a brief period of reprieve that she allowed me as she needed someone to listen...

Who is the only person in her life who as listened to her for all of her life....me....twin...whom she despises because I am capable of listening and showing empathy..

She told me that she cannot stand listening to him on  the phone because he is so sickenly deep ...!

My brief reprieve ended when I suggested to her that she try to curb some of that anger when talking to her son ..he needed her now and had opened up to her... not to cut him off...she would regret it.. That was last contact..

apart from two words in a text message on our birthday....those words "happy birthday" nothing else..

I accepted the thought and sent best wishes back referring to not feeling like a real birthday due to lockdown..no  response..

So it has to be her way or the highway ....

I have been  told that she has a narcissistic personality....only in the last year in counselling..I had not brought her up before as an opponent  in my life as I stupidly believed that it was my fault....Also that she has played a large role along with my mother in shaping my feelings about myself....of failing...not being enough...being unloveable..

I also had a horrible relationship for 7 years with a very manipulative..scheming man who played games with my mind... He would push me away...cruelly...then draw me back with deceit...I had not heard of the term narcissism other than in greek mythology..

So I feel a sense of a great weight being lifted off of me...I no longer need to yearn for acceptance from either of them...they are incapable...

I still love them and always will...

I have forgiven them...for myself..

I have set in place at the nursing home a special agreement where I will receive a separate call in my mum's last hours....I will be allowed to visit her then...My mum is aware of this...

I do write cards to her sometimes when I can be brave enough to carefully choose my words..

Yes it is painful and hurts..

My pain and tears are around the loss of something that I have not had so I now know that I do not need to try to get back something that was never given to me...

You did not trigger me at all  Jacques...

I hope that all of this does not hurt you in anyway..

I hope that it might even help you to look at some of the parts of you more forgivingly..

My plants are portulacas..I always confuse them with pigface..apparently portulacas are pigweed...

sounds revolting doesn't it...also known as purslane..

I do have pigface on one of the embankments I just realised...laugh..

I had two hours in the garden yesterday....weeding and pruning...

I feel the closest I can be in being me when I am in my garden along at the times when I used to be able to walk through the park across the road..

When I stand at the back of my garden the road is not visible and the park looks as though it is part of our garden..

I miss my walks there..

I am going to  have a mental health plan set up so that I can have some counselling around trauma..I have experienced chronic trauma due to so many things happening on top of each other in a brief period of time...Losing many friends through illness...losing seeing my twin and mum....

losing my older son when missing...who I now have phone conversations with on a more regular basis...

My goal is to walk back in that park   which I refer to  as my park....I have been walking through there for 10 years ...

I do hope that you can park you car and walk somewhere even if it is only for 5 minutes...a place where nature can soothe you...

So sorry for such a lengthy  reply..

You will need a lay down after reading all of this...

Please do not feel the need to respond to everything that I have mentioned either..

I needed to let you know that I did not want to let go of my mum and my sister even though I never felt held....they let go of me so many times....

So I did not try to clutch back ...I allowed them to let go...

take care lovely Jacques..

look forward to hearing from you when you can..

your  friend Sophia

💛💚💜

She has turned her grief into anger

[Sophia1]

ps

@Jacques 

apologies about the novel ....

I forgot to mention that I smiled when I read that you... unlike most.. feel safe in lockdown...

Did you smile when they told you to self isolate?😄

Only a self-isolator would understand that...

[Sophia1]

Hello @Adge 

I hope that you are feeling safe my friend..

I saw your posts in the worry room thread...

I know how it feels being very sensitive and deep...something that I have felt was the  cause for all of my life issues..

I could not have been further from the truth..

It allows me to feel so strongly for others...

It allows me to empathise and offer support if needed...wanted...

It allows me to give in a loving way which is the foundation of who I am....even though I have not accepted..recognised this until recently..

all of those years and all of that self hate...so  self destructive...

It is never too late to learn and discover our truth though..

It is a good thing to stand up for how you  feel because of the very fact that you are so sensitive and very deep..

This is important for you...

Your feelings are real whether they are what was intended or not..

So please do not go down the path of self blame self hate.....

Validate your feelings and set your boundaries..

It is extremely hard to stand up for oneself when having had one's feelings held down or trodden on for such a long time...

At the same time...the @HenryX I have corresponded with and read the meanings in  between the words from my own interpretation is possibly feeling quite devastated for upsetting you in that way...

I do not believe that his choice of words were directed at you or anyone personally...

I believe that he honestly responded as himself...

He too has a sensitive...caring side...

This is not about turning this around to bring out feelings of guilt on either side...

This is about a sincere response that through life itself and the very nature of social platforms hurt...

There is one thing that you might not have remembered in responding...I have done this myself on other occasions when someone has responded to me on that thread I have taken my response elsewhere...

Not  sure whether or not you realise Henry....

that post is a safe place to go to write to oneself really...

get it out as the title refers..

the writer in the majority of cases does not want a response..

they are usually in a very vulnerable state of mind...

hard for yourself as a caring, community guide I also realise...

Take care both of you 💚 Some green nature to soothe and bring calmness into your days..

your friend Sophia 1

[Jacques]

Hi @Sophia1 yes sounds like youor sister is really struggling, maybe her being so controlling of others is because her life is so out of control, sometimes no matter what you do once the damage is done it is hard to reverse, i know from bitter experiance myself, and people i have walked away from i always do completely, sometimes it is best to just move on, maybe to protect others sometimes to protect me.

i do find happyness in my relationship with my partner, we have had many laughs and enjoyed lots of time together. 

im so glad you have your park, why don't you walk there at the moment? is it closed off because of covid? well i hope you can get back to it soon. i will try i have been meaning too all year, i've just been lazy.

im glad you are in contact wiht your son, i hope it grows and you can both be happy, families are so complicated, i have pushed most of my mums family away because i don't want to ruin her relationship with her family, i almost did a few years ago and promised myself i would never be in that situation again, im ok with my family not thinking of me or contacting me, it is a very fractured family.

yes i do smile when i think about the government saying everyone is in lockdown, im really thriving in COVID lockdowns, nothing has really changed for me.

i hope today has been good to you. lovely to hear about your plants, i struggle with al lthe names and variations.

hugs

Jacques

[Sophia1]

hello @Jacques 

lovely to find you here...

I thought that you might have been worn out after reading my novel...

Also I realised after that I did not ask you if you wanted to talk about your trying few days..

I will leave this up to you of course as I respect your wishes and safety at all times..

I need to respond to another thread where there seems to be some chaos again..

I will  write to you tomorrow at some stage though..

I shall make every endeavour to keep it much briefer..

In the meantime ...enjoy your time with mum and your interractions with your girlfriend..

Would love to hear more about her interests without risking any privacy and only if you feel comfortable doing so..

No need for names you can make one up for her...

Take care

dear friend

Sunshine 💛 flying across the states