Isle Paradiso

[tonys]

@LeChuck    hello my friend.   thanks for your words mate.   Just a quick stop to say.

sharing words with you lightens my packhorse mate.   There is a big difference between 

plucking drama sucking fish from my net,  or catch and release of a huge wise old eastern 

cod that has lived every in the dark deep pool of the river.  I marvel at worlds unknown.

You have given more of yourself than I deserve maybe.   I like this old bus,  but then I always did like to see them rounding slippery jungle roads.   

I'm going to commit the cardinal sin and google   B P,   then  its bent backs picking and workers and animals to feed,  so back later if thats   O K.

I like my bus seat.    Jokers,  broken stock brokers.      on a potholed road of hope.

tonys ,        moon base one.

[LeChuck]

Google away @tonys, as far as I'm concerned I think learning about mental health issues helps everyone. The more education and awareness the better.

I am open book and it takes a lot to ruffle these feathers, so feel comfortable asking any questions you have if you want to gain a bit more understanding about bipolar disorderor my experiences with it and I will happily answer to the best of my ability.

These forums have helped me understand a bunch of different aspects of MH better and I'm a better person for it 

LeChuck 

[StanD]

Hi @LeChuck 

I'm reading your message now & thinking it's the universe saying hang in there mate.

I mostly had a reasonable day. Saw my peer worker & took a script of 'me time ' I don't know if you've ever seen those massage chairs they have in malls. I have always thought how could a person possibly feel relaxed & calm with all these strangers walking past. I'm super conscious like that. Today I sat in the the chair. Put my headphones on & enjoyed 8 mins of robot massage in public! I didn't even care. It was pretty cool.

Then I went & treated myself to couple new outfits at Dept. Store.

Honestly - right now, I'm so low & vulnerable, I hardly know how to go on. I'm fighting a horrible battle here. It never goes away. I know what I need to do - it's gathering the resources I'm really have huge difficulties with. 

I noticed you mentioned in post above about not pouring too much of hearts out to another in one go. I tend to agree. I am so terribly hurt right now, I don't know how to hold back. I may call one of the crisis numbers for support. I'm just in this awful space of feeling so neglected & abused. I don't usually fall this far. It's maybe helping a bit to get it out. I have people on my side. Professional supports & I think they are doing everything in their power to get me to safety. That is 9-5. Mon- Fri. And it all sounds very positive. At the end of the day I'm back right in the same awful position. 

Yep, having a big down moment. Honestly, an hour ago I was coping. 

It's like that lots. I'm coping, then I'm not. Now it's a very bad one. Maybe the worst I've had in a long time. 

I guess the ultimate reality being - that no one is ever coming to pull me out. 

I'm not sure why that is?

I'm not sure why I expect that?

Maybe I'm deluded about these types things.

Just have to toughen up?

I feel like when a person is so  sad & hurt - they really deserve help & support.

I guess I'm sad too cause I did try reaching out to couple of friends before posting here. They are not taking my calls. It really stings.

I know they are not worth having in my life if this is how they treat me. I swore I was going to stop humiliating myself. And then I just got so sad.

What I could have had. What I lost. Where I am.

I'm a big mess.

Well, that's me. 

Raw. Broken. Not coping. Alone.

Scared. Angry. Wondering what the point of it all is.

[LeChuck]

@StanD damn. Sorry I didn't see this sooner. Breaks my heart that you're in that place StanD. You don't belong there. Keep fighting hard. I know it seems impossible but you can do it. Especially when your team is good and still not finding solutions. It took a long time to find the right treatment for me but I've got one. Calling one of the help lines or chatting with one of the sane counsellelors sounds like the first step. All I can say right now is one foot in front of the other, try to be kind to yourself, and that you are worth so much more than you probably feel like you are right now. We are here with you too, hang in there. Sending strength and trying to beam a ray of hope your way

LeChuck xx

[StanD]

Thankyou. That means more to me right now than you could ever possibly know. Wish I had you as a friend in my life. Thankyou @LeChuck 

[LeChuck]

Her for ya @StanD. Hang tight and keep reaching out

[StanD]

Thanks @LeChuck I'm doing ok now. Professional intervention arrived. I found a solution to problem (one of) in this moment. Still no solution overall. I know it has to come.

Probably oversharing again - what worries me, is how much damage this is all doing to me mentally. Ongoing suffering, trapped. That part scares me. It scares me that even if I do get out, when I do... How much damage will be there? Irreparable.

[LeChuck]

There is definitely damage done from prolonged episodes of acute mental illness. But it is not irreparable. It does heal @StanD. I say this as someone who has spent a great deal of time in that black hole. Yes I still have baggage. Yes you will have scars. But wear them with pride and remember they're battle scars from terrible times and things that you have fought your way through and survived. Accept that there will be some trauma from your journey through the dark places but also accept our brain's amazing ability to heal and recover. You can get through this and you will heal from this with time.

LeChuck xxx

[LeChuck]

@tonys love the idea of being a wise old cod. They're awesome. How did your googling go? Do you have any questions? Sounds like you put in a hard day's work after logging off yesterday. How are you within yourself at the moment? I'm not just in it for snippets of the moon base! I'm here if you have troubles to share too.

LeChuck xx

[StanD]

Hey @LeChuck popping in to say a big thankyou for your support last night. I was sitting in my car, parked by nature strip, night time, no jacket cause I ran out of the house, cold, staring blankly through the dusty windscreen at smeared headlights, as though drove past me, like I didn't even exist. 

I began crying when I read your words.

Kindness.

Thanks mate. 

Oh, there was rain pouring for a few seconds then.

Worlds better today.

Won't complain about my headache.

Anyway, I can't say who you are & what you did. 

4 me 

A Friend 

Xxoo