Living with Ourselves

[Sophia1]

good morning @Shaz51 

I am a bit weary this morning...I stayed in bed until 9.30am deliberating about getting up...for about half an hour..

not helpful really...still it is a form of resting....keeping still laugh..

I had problems with my covid app on my mobile yesterday.

Helpline is closed over the weekend!

annoying...

How are you feeling today? Did you manage to have some rest as opposed to just sleep.?

[Shaz51]

Up 4 times a night to go to the bathroom 

And mum was up making a cuppa as she could not sleep @Sophia1 

Finally slept in to 8,30 this morning 

Had breakfast Put a load of washing on

And now back to bed again after lunch 

[Jacques]

no @Sophia1 it is ok, you might have tagged me and i didn't see it, i get a lot of emails. 

Yes, i have hear and do get disassociation regularly, when i have to go out shopping or go to a shop, i go into auto mode and when i leave  i don't remember what has just happened. i guess it is self protection of possible trauma. 

when i first started isolating it was because of anxiety but mainly for financial reasons, i was 19 and all my friends where working and had lots of money and i had maybe $4-$5 left after paying for everything with my newstart. the offered to pay and i could not accept that. i made up excuses and after a while they stopped asking, so i sort of drifted into pushing them away.

with my childhood trauma has prevented me for looking for work, my fear of being trapped and yelled at is too much for me to cope with. after about 2-3 year mark most of the people i knew stopped contact. i went into my own mind. things got worse financially and i struggled with no fridge, no hot water and had to limit my power usage to just a few hours a day, i spent most days stairing at the wall and most nights sitting at the window looking at the stars.

i had to shower out of buckets because i had no hot water or shower, things got worse and worse, mum and i pushed everyone away so no one knew how hard we where doing it, i got a loaf of bread every 2 days and a small block of cheese, i lived on cheese toast for about 5 years. 

i feared getting close to anyone for fear of getting hurt, for fear of being teased for being on the dole, so many family and friends used to say to me "it must be great on the dole, sitting around doing nothing." i guess now they know how awful it is. 

i am still struggling with leaving the house for any more than food or bills, my girlfriend is desperate for me to move down to melbourne with her, but my anxiety is preventing me. family want me to go on holliday but it fills me with dread. 

after 20 years, i guess im just frightened of everything outside my little existance. people scare me, i don't know if i will ever be able to get past all this, i have had so many people telling me im faking it to get sympathy or money, psychologist, psychiatrists, doctors, friends and family. 

my girlfriend is my only suppport and understand how i struggle, i depend on her so much to keep me going. i want a future with her. 

anyway that is my little story. sorry for the rant. 

Jacques

[Sophia1]

Hello @Jacques 

Thank you for responding...

Opening up about your life at the same time disclosing very personal information to me is an extremely courageous action on your part...

I find myself stuck...in that ...which way do I go?.....confusion....sense of being lost.....(almost a constant in my life...along with becoming physically lost far too many times to remember )...

Which way do I go? is a thought that popped into my mind....whilst trying to work out how I can write back to you...

This is a huge build up of living a life inside of life....that you have told me about here...

So to begin...a little about my being me...

I also endure and attempt to live through anxiety....a result of traumatic situations I found myself becoming aware of after the fact....of late referred to as dissociation....this you know about...

Another awareness might follow quite some time later as in years....through therapy hearing that there was more trauma piled onto the existing which had not dispersed.....

Grief through loss is a human emotion; also adding to the pile of existing trauma....

Many blanks here...

Looking from the outside in.....an observer would not see the trauma...the sadness....

My looking from the inside out...was not a reality for me for many years....again many blanks

Daydreaming...mind wandering off was my downfall...in the eyes of my family...

Living so very alone within a family totalling four...went unnoticed...

Your words about youth portray a very stigmatising world to me ...not of your doing...that of self righteous humans raising their own around such thinking..

You did have friends, yet felt that you could not accept their offers of help to include you...Perhaps this highlighted the worlld that you lived in and wished to forget..

I can say hand on heart I witnessed this myself within my youth..not against me against others..

I was a rescuer...not a martyr...

I stood by those at school ostracised and I befriended those from different cultures....not out of sympathy or even the modern term empathy... different again...

I did this as within me rose this surge of indignity of treating others differently..

I did not like or fit into groups....which still is part of growing up for many today...

I was solo...

This describes me still....

My heart actually hurts reading your story...Please do not feel that I am trying to dramatise or rise above...

I genuinely do feel pain when I sense another suffering...anxiety is suffering...dissociation is an escape from suffering or anxiety....escaping does not alleviate the symptoms permanently..

I still reach out now..gently with respect...

as you wrote about yourself....that not wanting to accept the help of your friends.....that is real....powerful ...also giving me a slight insight into Jacques..

The lack of heating....necessities of maintaing health....hits me hard...

Did school ever talk to your mum? Your mum must also have felt devastated through those years...

We moved around from country to country..We did not struggle financially... There were hot school dinners...which I hated..

I feel very selfish now writing that...

I did not like food....

I do remember being told about the starving children...as much as I did not like to think of that...i did not feel that my not eating the school dinner actually helped those children across the world..

I thought instead...why can't the school help those children...send food to them?. I disliked them even more..

Trying to  instil guilt in a child for something that they strongly detest (unknown at this stage being part of an unwell mind) was a cruel action...cruel words...

There was very little that I would eat....I think that this might have had something to do with undiagnosed depression now...This has only emerged in the last few years again of having depression from a very young child...

My father passed away about 22 years ago now...

Since that time I have maintained some damaging connection...constantly treading on eggshells with twin and mother.

They...my remaining birth family... cannot accept the world of unwell minds....no discussion...no hugs or offering support...

Unspoken of...therefore...my left feeling with I must be bad...

my unwell son not to be discussed...myself to not have anything to do with him as this was further damaging my mind in their eyes..

I found out a few years ago...visiting family overseas...every single person with my family on my mum's side has some form of an unwell mind...

I now realise that my mum and twin do also...they cannot face that about themselves...

How do you feel now that you have written part of your life story?

Are you feeling troubled....? 

My anxiety feels like it is bubbling away ....

Was yours awoken when writing?

You mentioned family...how is your relationship with them? Or would you prefer to leave that part out of your writing?

I am asking too many questions now...

This is that aching within wanting to know and then I can try to help by listening...writing...

Degeneralisation is another form of escape of the mind.....Something else that I found out about through therapy..

Again only realised when after the fact...as with dissociation....as with depression.....as with chronic trauma...major anxiety....

all labels that help the medical world ...associations...tick boxes...slots...pigeon holes....

I hope that I have helped you to feel that I do have as much of an understanding that is possible between people experiencing self isolation.  So very different for each of us...

Please feel free to write to me again if you would like to....feel comfortable in doing so...find this to be of any help..

Should this just serve to bring feelings to the surface that you do not and are unable to face...please look after yourself first and foremost...

A simple quick reply is enough and I certainly would not be hurt or offended..

If you would like to converse in another way, that would be helpful for myself also...

Sometimes talking about what we actually feel about the beauty of this world is a way of helping the past...

Whatever you choose Jacques ...I feel very comforted that you were able to write back to me..

💛 Here is some sun for you...I hope that you can feel the warmth that it brings....I send you this with sincere care xxx

[Sophia1]

Hello @Adge 

---

@Adge wrote:

Yes Dissociation is a major struggle @Sophia1 Like you said, it has taken many years away from me also.

Dissociation & Complex PTSD (Long-Term Trauma) were identified by a Psychologist- 11 & 1/2 years ago.

It feels like nothing much has changed, since then - When in fact, it probably has.

I just don't see the point in being given Diagnosis (Labels) - When the professional who gave (gives) the Diagnosis, doesn't offer any treatments or methods to change the situation (or to help heal).

Hugs ((((Sophia))))

Adge

---

You have also had so much to deal with during your life...

I do think that their is a strong connection with unwell mind long term and eventually unwell body...

ongoing if left...

I have seen your presence on the forums more and this warms my heart as I see a stronger, funnier, kinder part of Adge that was in the background before...

Takes time and courage...

feeling brave enough to risk will I or will I not be accepted...

You have most certainly been accepted

and love that you contribute to the virtual thread...

💛 seek and find some sunshine today....

I am about to get off of this chair which I think that I am now stuck to and go outside looking for some of that beautiful sunshine myself...

Will quickly say hello to the virtual friends xxx

[Clawde]

Hello Friend @ everyone

[Adge]

Thank you @Sophia1 I will Re-Read your Post later, to try to respond properly.

This Protester is Being Creative - Plus wanting to Learn & Grow (Play Scrabble)....

[HenryX]

Hello @Sophia1 and @Jacques 

Reading the discussion of both your life experiences, certainly strikes a chord for me.

I was very fortunate to have had the pleasure and privilege of being present in the last ten years of my mother's life, when she came to live with me. That is different from your situation. However, had my father been alive during that time, my mother and I would have had to meet away from the family environment. I had been ostracised and did not see my father again until just before his passing. My only younger brother has now taken on the role, that my father had previously assumed.

There are other significant similarities and differences. However, many of my life experiences have contributed to feelings, emotions and thoughts that are exceedingly difficult to deal with.

My mother asked my father to seek professional psychological assistance, because of problems between him and me, in my pre-teen years. He refused. I still don't know, in terms of diagnosis, or what may be referred to as labels, what problems I have faced, or had significant difficulty in addressing, or going around, in my life. It seemed to me that my experience in those early years, compounded, contributed to and were added to further issues in my adult life. Hence my recent return to counselling and my current attempts to re-evaluate my life experiences. In so doing, I hope to improve my experience in the time that remains of my life.

Unfortunately, or otherwise, there are significant gaps in memory of events and spaces of time. I believe that a lot of later life events and situations stemmed from the early conflict and difficulties, particularly in terms of the adverse interaction and relationship with my father.

Best Wishes

@HenryX

[Sophia1]

There are many of us all over the world who hide which then creates the cycle of self isolating

@HenryX @Adge @Jacques @Clawde @Shaz51 

All of our situations are so different with a few commonalities..

I struggle talking about it...

I mention it in therapy now...took me a long time...

When I think about it apart from all of the blank times....no memories....there are different circumstances in my life that have been very hurtful that I do not talk about....

some hard to put into words..

some I do not want to think about..

some I feel embarrassed about...

some cause anxiety as soon as they come into my mind...

Isolation is an easy solution at the time but not long term..

I made it outside into the garden...my escape to area...

I used to walk so much and now I am not doing that very often...

These are two goals that I am working on...

Going outside into the garden....no matter how briefly...

Today the sun came out but the wind was strong...I hate wind...

Second goal is to walk somewhere outside..

Currently I am walking around the house and around the garden...

Anyone else want to start any goals as in small ones?

[Jacques]

Hi @Sophia1 and @HenryX 

i feel the same way @Sophia1 i feel so lost just wandering day by day getitng further behind and missing life milestones along the way.

I didn't mention last night being abused by a nun at the age of 8 for a whole year, i get such severe panic attacks even now just thinking about it, it has been the single biggest impact on my life. my whole world changed at that moment. that is why im so scared to work and to be trapped anywhere.

it is amazing what you remember years after abuse, the little things really show up, for me it is smells and sounds. it sends me into a spiral. 

im so sorry you have such a turbulant time with your family, my dad died 21 years ago too, so i understand the pain of not mending bridges, so many things i wanted to say to him and didn't get the chance. 

my dads side of the family told me at the age of 11 never to contact them again, they are all based in Germany, my mums side is very fractured so i have little contact with them, maybe once every 10 years or so. 

i am really on my own, no real family and no friends, just my partner, i sometimes feel i rely on her too much for family comfort.

yes mental illness runs through my family too, depression and schizophrenia are the main 2, i don't know much abotu my dads side.

i have never felt like i belong anywhere, im not german, im not australian, i live in a country town and im not into country things, i don't drink or smoke that makes things 10  times harder. 

i have come to terms i will probably will be alone for the rest of my life, i worry something will happen to my girlfriend and then i will be lost forever. 

yes, my anxiety was last night and now very high, it always is talking about my situation, it still hurts to wonder what my life could have been... 

please don't appologise for asking questions @Sophia1 i don't mind answering.

have you found ways to break the cycle, i have never spent a night away from my mum and dad, the last time i had a night away fro mthem was 1994 and i really struggled with that, im so scared if i go away they won't be there when i get back, i know it sounds stupid, im 40 and can't be away from my mum, my girlfriend really struggles with this.

hugs my friend, i hope today has been a good day for you.

Jacques